Editor’s Note: This post was originally posted on Malika’s WordPress. The words are her own. This was republished with the author’s permission.
It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. And I’ve wanted to for a while because I always have a lot of thoughts and I’m always being inspired by the people I surround myself with, but I just haven’t gotten to it because I’ve been busy with school, stressed with life and my relationships, family tings, etc. But today I decided to write something because I want the world to know the truth. On my first post, 4 months after my sexual assault, I wrote about how the assault affected me and how the backlash I got from telling someone I loved the truth about what happened affected me. All of this was well before I decided to involve the police in my assault. But I am finally ready to say that I did. I pursued charges against Ian Connor for raping me. Yes, that’s right folks, Ian Connor–the fashion nigga people love to stan for–is a rapist. My detective never said I couldn’t talk about my case, but I decided not to because I wanted to get everything taken care of before I spoke about it publicly.
I am speaking now because my case is basically closed. And I am finally ready to share my entire story. I want the world to know who they are praising. I know that I will get some backlash for this, the typical rape apologists and misogynists will likely attack as they will be up in ashy arms that their idol is being accused of such a heinous crime. But I don’t care. I know the truth. And I know that I did not want to have sex with Ian Connor. He raped me.
On October 5th 2014, I was raped by Ian Connor. Everyone always wants a name and a face and oh who did he rape and blah blah, well here I am. *One* of the many that he raped was me. Oh yeah that’s right, he’s a serial rapist. I am not the only one. I’m just one of the only one’s who is telling my story. In short, he is a predator. He seeks out girls on social media that he can try to “woo” or whatever and then try to fuck and if they say no, well he takes it. One day in spring of 2014, I tweeted “who is Ian Connor?” because I kept seeing his name everywhere but I literally had no clue who the kid was. Now we all know he searches his name, like any egomaniac would, so naturally he replied. A few months later he followed me and I followed back, still not knowing much about him. The fact that he followed me after a few months should’ve let me know he was weird because apparently he had been watching me for all that time I assume. I don’t know. But to continue, after I followed him back, he dm’d me. We talked for a little he asked for my number and I was like yeah sure whatever. I was just curious because his name was everywhere so I was like okay let’s see what this nigga is about. Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that when I say this was out of pure curiosity. I actually mean that. I don’t care about “clout” never have never will. If I wanted his “money” or whatever I would say that because regardless of my intentions, raping someone is never acceptable. But I do want my story to be told and interpreted correctly. Moreover, Ian tried to post bc on his instagram the second time we hung out because he liked my necklace (the arabic name necklace that I wear everyday) but I was like “nah” because I just didn’t want that. Not that it matters. But I know how some of y’all think.
We hung out a total of 3 times. Never did anything sexual with this man because I didn’t find him attractive, I was very much into somebody else, and I just wanted to be friends. He kissed me before but I always pushed him off because gross. He would stop after that and we would kick it, it would be fine and I wouldn’t feel violated. I thought he was somewhat cool, so when I wasn’t dodging him, if he hit me up because he was in Atlanta and I wasn’t busy I would be like okay cool we can hang out.
The 3rd and last time we hung out I hit him up. He came to my crib in the morning and I figured we would just talk and chill per usual… But that isn’t what happened. We were sitting on my bed, just talking. and he asked if he could eat me out. I declined. And I told him I wasn’t trying to have sex. So he’s like okay. Then he asked again if he could eat me out. I said no again and he just kept asking. He was literally begging to eat me out and he said “we don’t gotta fuck, I just wanna eat it. I wanna eat your soul out girl” blah blah. And I was just like “nah I’m good” but he kept begging. Eventually, I gave in. I said “fine you can give me head”. Then he said “lemme eat it from the back”. So I layed on my stomach and pulled my pants down about halfway, the rest of my clothes were still on. He was fully clothed. He started to give me head. About 2 minutes later I felt his bare penis thrust inside of me. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do and then I pushed him off of me and I was like wtf. And he says “your pussy is wavy. We should’ve did this a long time ago. We could’ve been dating” and I saod “wtf I told you I didn’t want to have sex and you just did it…” And he says “so you tryna say I raped you” and at the time I hadn’t even processed what had just happened and I was like “I dont know”. After that he left and said he was gonna text me. I was confused. I didn’t want to call it rape but I also couldn’t call it consensual sex because I had already told him I didn’t want to have sex with him and he took advantage of me being in a position in which he could penetrate me anyway when I wasn’t looking. It was diabolical. But at the time, I didn’t know how to think of it.
I went to get tested the next day because nothing felt right about what happened. I was confused and in denial. On October 9th, I got my test results back and I found out he had given me gonorrhea. Curable. But still. I was devastated and that’s when it all finally hit me. I didn’t want any of what had happened but he just did it anyway and I had to deal with the consequences. He didn’t penetrate me with consent. He raped me. Once I accepted it, I told the man I was “talking to” at the time what had happened. We were pretty serious so I thought I could trust him and I was also going through a lot and I just needed support. But instead of being there for me, he blamed me for it and told me it “wasn’t a real rape” because I didn’t get snatched up off the street and I knew the person. Needless to say, the way he treated me and the things he said to me which are still very triggering to think about only made matters worse. I was depressed and I wanted to hurt myself but I didn’t because I had people watching me, friends coming to Atlanta to be with me, I left school to be with my mom, it was a lot going on actually. And for the most part, I kept it to myself except for telling close friends, my mom, and my therapist. After a little over a year, I finally tweeted about him being a rapist because I’ve gotten more comfortable talking about it as time has passed, and that same day he messaged me on a fake account… Trying to harass me. Here are the messages:
After a little over a year, I finally tweeted about him being a rapist (not about him raping me specifically but I called him a rapist) because I’ve gotten more comfortable talking about it as time has passed and because I want everyone to know the truth. That same day he messaged me on a fake account… Trying to harass me. Here are the messages:
If you go to that page and look at the likes its all things praising Ian. I wasn’t for sure it was him but I had a feeling it was. My intuition is always on fleek. And I was right.
His harassing messages prompted me to file a police report. I thought to myself “fuck him”, I wasn’t about to allow him to take anything else from me or hurt me anymore! I have so many things happening in my life and so much going for myself right now and nobody is getting in the way of that. I’m about to graduate from Emory University in exactly one month and I did it in four years. I have life plans and I am ready to spread my wings and fly. But before that, I felt like I needed to, at least, try to make him be held accountable for his actions so that I could have peace. So in December 2015, I filed the report. Since then I’ve given statements, sent in evidence, and gotten other women that he assaulted to speak to my detective. The detectives at the Special Victims Unit at my country police station have been working to gather as much evidence as possible and build a case. The problem is, when it comes to bringing everything to the judge, there isn’t a lot of concrete evidence that actually proves the rape happened. Essentially, the only thing they can really go on is my word. Moreover, the other women who spoke to the detective are not comfortable filing their own reports. They gave statements and I am thankful for that as it did contribute to the building of my case, but the statements can not be taken as concrete evidence unless they were to file their own reports in the cities in which their assaults occurred. Although if they did, it would make the case and a warrant for his arrest would likely be put out once everything was presented to the judge, it’s understandable why they wouldn’t want to. Further, my detective also got in contact with Ian. He called him. I had two of his numbers that were still saved in the cloud in my phone despite me deleting them and still having his numbers blocked to this day. So I gave the detective both of them. One didn’t work and one did. My detective said Ian sounded0 very worried. And since he’s guilty, he should be worried. Because people are onto him now. And in other guilty news, since then he disconnected the number–my detective informed me of that because he tried to call Ian again to get him to come in for questioning. When they first asked him to come in for questioning he said he “didn’t know when he would be back in Atlanta”, then he disconnected the number. And since there’s no warrant because I do not have enough concrete evidence on my own to present before the judge, they can’t make him. Unfortunately, my statement, a few screenshots, and some information from my doctor and from my school, won’t be regarded as substantial evidence in a court of law. Because of this, my detective told me yesterday that the case is likely to be closed for the time being. It can be reopened if more evidence is found or if any other women decide to come forward, but for right now, there isn’t much else that can be done. So basically these past few months have somewhat been a waste of my time bc even though I was raped, nothing will likely happen to the person who raped me aka Ian Connor. #America
Although this is not the ideal result of my choice to file a report against him, I do not regret my choice. The system isn’t built for me and that’s something I wholeheartedly understand about America; however, I also believe that you never know what the outcome of anything will be unless you try. By not trying, I would be giving him power and that is something I refuse to do. And by trying, I empowered myself and others. I did what I could to try to bring justice and hopefully protect other people and for that I will never regret my decision. No longer will Ian Connor’s crimes remain invisible. I am here. I am visible. And I am healing.
I expect to receive some backlash for writing this, for exposing Ian, for the way it happened. I expect some people to blame me for it, and to continue to not hold a grown man accountable for his actions. But at the end of the day, nobody’s ignorance can stop me from standing in my truth.
Thank you all for reading this. And thank you to everyone that has supported me and contributed to my healing.